How we learn about intimacy and honesty from our families

Bollywood can be comforting, funny, and deeply familiar and it can also quietly teach us what a “good” son or daughter is supposed to look like.  In today's epsiode Licensed Mental Health Counselor Malika and Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Gitika talk about ways these Bollywood tropes reflect cultural assumptions. We take Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (DDLJ) and the Pretentious Movie Reviews recap as a jumping-off point to talk about South Asian family dynamics that many of us recognise instantly: NRI nostalgia, romanticising India, and the pressure to keep “Indianness” alive through obedience and marriage choices.

From there, we get personal and clinical about what those patterns do to mental health. We unpack fawning and people pleasing as survival skills, the way strict authority can turn dads into household “villains,” and how patriarchy can shrink everyone’s humanity. We also name the lying culture many Desi kids grow up with and why outsiders often misread it: when attachment feels fragile and difference feels dangerous, honesty can cost more than it seems worth.

We talk about the real tension between attachment and authenticity, including why coming out to family can be an act of intimacy that requires safety and support. We also hold an important boundary: if your home is abusive, coercive, or unsafe, the goal is protection, not forced honesty. 

If any of this hits close to home, listen through and reflect with us: what parts of yourself did you learn to hide, and what would it take to feel safe being fully known? 

Subscribe, share with someone who grew up Desi, and leave a review so more listeners can find these conversations.

Pretentious Movie Review: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOZyX3bv2Hc

Netflix show about DDLJ, The Romantics: https://www.cnn.com/style/article/netflix-india-bollywood-the-romantics-intl-hnk

Thanks for listening! we would love to hear from you, write to us, 

Your hosts, 

Malika & Gitika 

Malika is the Founder of Ik Aas Counseling, know more at https://malikabains.com/ 

Gitika is the Founder of Pranh Healing & Wellness, know more at https://www.pranhwellness.com/

Transcript

Mic Check And Warm Start

SPEAKER_01 1:01

Alright, we're ready.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Yeah, we are ready. Okay. Whenever you're talking, come forward and talk because you can see the voice if you go back. See the Nichi Who wave pattern Mira wave pattern or not? I feel like there is a lot of perfect.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

Yeah, I'm not seeing my wave pattern anymore. Really?

SPEAKER_00 1:35

But you can hear me. And it's good now. The volume is good. Yeah. Also, I got the mic closer to me, also. Nice.

SPEAKER_01 1:45

Okay. Hi Malika. Hi, Kitika. So before we begin, can you read our disclaimer, please?

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Yes, the most important thing. So this is a gentle disclaimer. This podcast is an informative podcast. The conversations are based around our own professional and personal experiences. This podcast will help young, old, South Asian families, individuals. Also, I and Gitaka are both mental health professionals, but the podcast is designed for educational purposes only. It's not meant to be therapeutic advice. So if there's anything that we share, please don't take that as therapeutic recommendations because we are therapists, but we are not your therapist. So please share with a therapist you know and act. So please share it with a therapist you know and actually discuss this and see what applies to you and what doesn't.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Yay! We live in the United States and

Disclaimer And Scope Of Advice

SPEAKER_01 2:52

clarifying all these things is very important. We've been interstelling together again. So I wonder if uh we want to tell our listeners what we're gonna talk about today.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Oh my gosh. So we are today going to talk a lot about our brown families and the dynamics that entails in the household. And we thought, what better way to do it than actually looking at our Bollywood movies, maybe? So that's the plan, Keychalo. Let's look at one of our favorite Bollywood movies just to kind of see how the dynamics are portrayed usually on the media and what did we grew up with. And then maybe later on, you know, once we start kind of discussing the movie, we can start sharing a few more insights into how would you tackle with such dynamic in real life, in your own family, and what is something that we do in our therapy sessions when situations like these come up where their dynamics are distressing the client. So we'll definitely get into the clinical side, but we thought it's uh, you know, it'll be nice to start on a good fun note because this topic can be heavy, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yeah. So we decided to refresh our memory and uh watch a really funny video that we will link in our show notes. It's a video called uh Pretentious Movie Reviews about Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jainge, which was this iconic movie when Malika

Why Use DDLJ As A Lens

SPEAKER_01 4:37

and I were growing up in India. The movie stars Sharuk Khan and Kajol. If you haven't heard of the movie, not seen the movie, start by watching the pretentious movie review, or you can go ahead and watch the movie first and decide. I don't know. Either ways, the movie was something we really had enjoyed, and watching the movie review helped us refresh our memory about why we wanted to talk about family dynamics by the through the lens of uh this Bollywood film. So I know we were both really laughing as we were watching the movie review because the movie review is hilarious. But I'm wondering about anything that you remembered or noticed in the movie review, which was of course about the movie. Anything you're remembering now about the movie that you were like, oh yeah, this is such a classic family dynamic that we grew up with, we don't even fully recognize it sometimes till somebody points it out. What did you notice, Erika?

SPEAKER_00 5:42

I think first of all, I literally watched this movie this year, January or February, because my husband had not sat and watched the whole thing. So we both sat against his wishes. I'm like, okay, we have to, you know, you have to like get this experience. So we watched the whole movie, and I think Abini, like when we watch the pretentious uh reviews, I think just key the one thing that's really real is the NRI parents talking about you know India and you know how great India is, and just that the longing that they have for their you know country of origin and just the how much they miss it, and they're having to have this life in a different country, but that love, oh my gosh, that's so real. And I grew up in the community of all NRI uncle and aunties, and so this is a conversation that's always been a part of uh group gatherings, just you know, nostalgia, remembering pikya hota, what happened those days, and how did we live in India and the houses and the rituals and the conversations, food. So I think that part is just so real.

NRI Nostalgia And Idealised India

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Yeah, that nostalgia and how the country you left is, you know, you see it very romantically. It's oh, it's so beautiful, everything was so perfect. There is that risk of people thinking things were much better in your country of origin. So, and also I think that critique that the movie reviews people have that why do these NRIs always make it seem like things are so awesome in your country of origin, but you know, why did you leave it if it was so great? And I think that also is a very good question to ask. Like, why didn't you leave it? And how do we hold both? How do our families also find a way to hold both? There was something beautiful about it, and there was a reason we left it, and we've come to this new country where we live now. Is there a way to appreciate it also? But Dilwali Dilhanial, of course, is filled with these references to everything in India was so perfect. In fact, I want to make sure that my daughter also marries my childhood friend's son. You know, the ultimate thing that despite moving abroad, marriages were still happening only in yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

It's like you know, you keep the Indianess alive. If you now go ahead and you know marry someone from India, then the authenticity of India still remains in the family. I think that's just that wish. But before we continue, can I just say how much I love these Bollywood movies? I just have such strong, strong love for these Bollywood movies, and whenever I watch them, I really switch my brain off, you know. Like I'm just like so much in that world of and then this is what Sharuk said, and this is how Simran is, you know, Kajol is acting and responding to it. So to be in a spot where we have to now see it from the perspective of mental health and really real life in real world, and really draw parallels to okay, what sort of context is valid in real world, and then what what sort of information and portrayal of dynamic of a couple may not be as realistic in the real life, and you know how does those portrayals have affected the community over the years? But I before I get into that, I just would like to share that I really love these movies, and no, I'm not gonna stop watching these movies after this podcast. I'm gonna go back and continue binging on those, and these are my comfort movies. I think this is just a way for us to take a little pause and acknowledge all the things that are portrayed and just have a it's a it's a mode of conversation, you know. Like that's what this is. So no hate. Well, I was gonna say no hate to Bollywood movies, but I don't think that's a good blanket statement. Anywho, what do you think, Titaka?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

Absolutely. I think I I of course enjoy Bollywood movies a lot. And I, in fact, someday I want to invite one of my mental health colleagues on this podcast. Uh, she and I bonded over our shared love for Shah Rukh Khan. And before we had any major conversation about why we got into the field of mental health, the one thing we knew about each other was that we love Shah Rukh Khan. So we spent like 15 minutes just talking about our love for Shah Rukh Khan. And I promised her if she ever visited Bombay at a time that I was there, I would take her to see Shah Rukhan's Bangla Manat. And I was just like, we'll stand there. And if we can wait for Sharuk Khan to meet us, because we are mental health professionals in the US who want to talk to him, we're going to use that to really talk to him or whatever. And I am a fan of Bollywood, and I think, you know, Malika, as you were speaking, I was realizing that our relationship with Bollywood is one way that we can practice our relationship skills, that you can be in relationship with someone you disagree with, you can enjoy their company, you can find them hilarious, and at the same time recognize okay, I won't get my advice from this person. This is not where I'll get relationship advice. Or okay, this is really sweet. That Simran has to pray in front of the temple, and then she has to ask for her father to be in a good mood. Then she will ask him, Can I travel around Europe one last time before you force me to get married to this guy in India? Like that whole dynamic. I can do an eye roll at it and still want to know how this movie goes and still laugh. So, you know, so I will say that I feel like my relationship with Bollywood is a practice of relational skills. I can disagree and still love it.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

That is such a great metaphor. I love that. I love that it's like a relationship where you just watch and learn, but of course, you don't want to go to the this source to get your decision-making advice. And also, please count me in to go see Manat whenever you take that other friend. I would like to be part of that.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

I would like to be part of that. Oh, now we have three mental health professionals. Oh, now we can say there's a coalition of mental health professionals that wishes to meet Sharuk Khan. Thank you, Manat. Thank you. Thank you for adding yourself to the list.

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Oh my god. And you know, the mention of the eye roll when Simran is kind of engaging in this like archical word, performative, you know, performative behaviour and this you know very innocent and very obedient child. But that the reason why we do the eye roll is maybe because sometimes we feel but that's a glorify, you will get the permission. But then in reality, a lot of the Indian families you have to do that. You know, in a lot of the real world, you have to kinda be on your best behavior and really show ki, okay, you know, I am a good child, so it's okay if you let me do this one thing that you may not agree with, because overall I'm a good child, you know, I'm praying to the God, and and she also wears suits, so it's like she's really kinda performative and top tier ki where she's like showing her Indian-ness. See, you want me to be Indian? I am Indian. And then she asks for something that is such

Fawning For Permission And Freedom

SPEAKER_00 13:42

a contrast to being that traditional Indian in the movie, which is go on a solo trip. But that's that's the real world too. That is how a lot of the Indian families operate, where the child really has to show I'm a good kid, so can you just allow me to do this one thing that you don't agree with?

SPEAKER_01 14:07

I think somewhere it is this uh you know, fawning and people pleasing to get approval, and that approval is your pathway to freedom. So that there are these associations that I gain your approval by presenting myself in this very I wouldn't say Indian clothes alone, it was very modest because Indian clothes there are so many Indian clothes that are also revealing that are very gorgeous, and uh, even her suit was gorgeous. Like you can be really modestly dressed and basically don't uh inspire any disapproval. If you want something from a person in authority, get their full approval through as much fawning and people pleasing you need to do. And in Dilwaled, and then in the pretentious movie review, they're both talking about how presenting yourself as very spiritual or very academic, very studious, like we used to say, you know, very studious, very hardworking, all the active qualities of I will not quote any criticism at all because I want something from you. And I don't know if Ambrishpuri, who is necessarily like Simran's father in the movie, I don't know if he was disapproving of her wanting to travel through Europe or the fact that he she wanted to do this with her friends, she wanted to do this on her own. So, from a developmental standpoint, Simran was really acting her age that she wants to we go to a certain age where we get our identity from our friends more than our family. That is just a part of growing up. But is that just a Western notion? Or is that something that could be true in the Indian context too? That as we are growing up, we are spending more time with people our age, and we are learning how to be ourselves, becoming sometimes an independent entity. So then Simran actually wanting to go somewhere with her friends, and that it's Europe, I guess, you know, like you're saying, that it's as far away from India as possible. The culture in Europe is going to be different, she's gonna travel with her friends, and this is not something her father will agree to.

SPEAKER_00 16:35

Uh-huh. And I think, like, in that whole context, like fawning is again, like, that's a household thing. If you have to survive in an Indian culture, in traditional Indian Indian culture, I'm trying not to generalize. In a traditional Indian culture, a lot of families, fawning is the way for you to keep peace in the family, to be in the good books, because parents do hold a lot of authority over the things that you can engage in versus not. Yeah, developmentally, of course, like as the child turns adolescent range, like 11, 12, they start finding more connection with their peers, and they start having that process of like, okay, I'm having I'm developing my own identity away from my parents, which is a natural process of their growing up to do. However, I think that is where for a lot of parents, I'm not just going to say Indian, for a lot of parents, to see their child kind of move away from the family values and away from the parent proximity as well, it creates some sort of fear. And then if that fear is strong enough and if that fear is evolved enough, it turns into a betrayal in the eyes of the parent. That if you are spending more time with your friends, then that means you don't want me, you don't like me, you don't want to be part of the family. And that creates, of course, a lot of friction at home. But fawning, yeah, fawning or just freeze, you know, when you just hide, you don't you just become invisible so that you are not the one creating any ruckus or chaos at home. You just become like, okay, I'm not gonna be the one to make my parents upset about something. So where the girls are, you know, Simran and her sister are like studying, and where they were like so chaotic. Where uh if it was just mom at home, they're like dancing and their music on, mom's dancing, the girls are dancing, and then as soon as they know that okay, dad's coming home, it's like, okay, you know, we're not making any ruckas, we're not doing anything, we're just we're just we're not bothering you. And I just want to add last bit is it's also not fair towards the dads that they in a lot of the Bollywood movies, you know, they are shown as this kind of villain in the house who's gonna come and disrupt the family who doesn't like laughing and that behavior of the girls just kinda like dancing around, like it's kinda dad becomes the villain, which is also not true for all the families. So, you know, there's a part of me who feels a little for the dad as well, and how there are some movies that will show the dad's perspective as well. Bhagavan is coming to my mind, but maybe that's a different story because there's a lot in Bag Ban that can be analyzed. What I'm saying is that yeah, like there are a lot of movies where the child's pain and suffering is amplified and shown, and the movie is around that, but I'm sure there can be movies where the parents' mental health and a little more understanding of what's driving their behavior and what's going on could help process and not process, facilitate a conversation between the kids and the parents so that there's more compassion and not just the parents being seen as this villain who is against their kids.

SPEAKER_01 20:12

Absolutely. I really agree with that and you know, that analysis, because it made me think about when I was watching this review again and remembering DDLJ again, that there were so many elements of patriarchy, you know, big old word patriarchy, that that whole element of patriarchy that it is dominates the movie in some way. And Simran's mother, for example, at one point during the movie tells Simran and Raj that I had promised myself that my daughter will never have to give up her dreams the way I gave up mine. And I always I always thought that scene was such a powerful scene because of how in that moment the movie became very this very serious and touching critique of what was just normally happening in the movie. That you know, Simran's dancing, and but then she stops dancing when her dad comes home. But this whole patriarchal angle of that the girl needs to be really demure, people-pleasing, fawning before she can have the right to travel on her own. The thing also with patriarchy, and I that links with what you were just saying about how you really feel bad for the father, that he's that the father sometimes in Bollywood has shown as this

Patriarchy And Fathers As Authority

SPEAKER_01 21:37

villain who's really anti-fun. And that's the thing that patriarchy does to men as well. Patriarchy makes it seem like men get all the power, which it does give a lot of power to men. But at the same time, patriarchy takes away everyone's humanity, it takes away the humanity of men too. That it takes away, imagine being anti-fun, how unhappy people must be in their own life to hate watching someone else have fun. So there is something about this role that is assigned. Bollywood scene depicts it, but this role is something that I see again and again, even in people I work with or people I know personally, that there is this tension in the relationship with their fathers, where their fathers are seen as these really severe authority figures who have to be, you know, managed in some way. And for people to get the freedom to live outside people pleasing, they do this actually by outright lying about their reality. That not telling your parents what you do. So when you are trying to become your own person, it ends up being something that you do almost out of respect for your elders, that you don't tell them what you're doing with your friends, where you go, or like I remember. I remember once an uncle of mine telling me, I have smoked cigarettes my whole life, but I've had the respect for my father to never smoke in front of him. And I remember being a little struck by that. I wasn't necessarily saying that you should smoke in front of your father, but I was like, Have you even told your father you smoke? But that this was an uncle of mine, so he's an elder, so I wasn't going to tell him what to do. But I remember just thinking that it was an act of respect that I lie about my reality. So I was definitely thinking about that part as well.

SPEAKER_00 23:35

And that's a big part of us. It's a big part of the Indian community where you know you don't get to share a lot of your paths with the parents because of, yeah, you know, sometimes the kids feel that this is gonna stress my parents out. So I cannot afford to let them know that, you know, the bigger part is that okay, if I share this with my dad or mom, then they will not be able to manage their emotions regarding my behavior. And then the child has to manage their emotions in addition to whatever the child is going through. I think that is such a big part of this whole lying culture, is like it's very hard for the kids to trust that their parents will be able to process the information, process the difference between them and their kids. So there were moments where there were moments where, you know, with Indian kids lying to their parents, is kind of seen as by other cultures as like, oh my god, like why would you lie? I have seen I've seen I've had like a experience where I witnessed this happening between an Indian person and then a non-Indian person, and this non-Indian person was really just kind of being judgmental towards the Indian person, Indian child for not being 100% honest with their parents. Like, hey, why don't you just go tell? Why do

Lying Culture Attachment Versus Authenticity

SPEAKER_00 25:07

you have to lie? Like, wait, so you're lying, so how do I know that you're not lying in this friendship? Because it's so easy for you to lie to your own parents. So, how do I trust you as a friend? And that I can see how that how that conversation sometimes could also play a role in a therapy session if the therapist is not accustomed to the Indian culture dynamics, how they may see lying to their parents as, of course, the child not being authentic in the presence of their parents, which a lot of the time is true for the Indian kids. The second, like, oh, are you betraying yourself and your own values where you cherish honesty and authenticity by lying to your parents, like you are doing something wrong? But the thing is that they're the Indian kids have to kind of live in this gray zone because of how emotions and differences are handled in a family unit. If a child goes away from family value values and rituals and traditions, it's a big conflict. You know, it's not an easy conversation to have. So, in order to keep the harmony, yet again, in order to keep the harmony and actually maintain your relationship with the parents, there is that level of hiding information, not telling information to protect the relationship, if I may say. And it comes with a lot of grief. It's not that it's like an easy thing that the kids are able to do, but it seems like it's uh it's just so natural and normal in the families where like, yeah, this is just how it is. That's the way I can have a relationship with my parents.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

I think like one thing that I oh wanted to clarify and I want to ensure that you know that you and I are seeing it in a similar way. I believe that if kids are lying to their parents, that lying is not something that we judge as you are a bad person for doing this. As a therapist and as a person, I feel like I would want this lying to be understood in its broader context. And the hope and the dream is that we continue to work towards a world in which parents and children can have open, honest conversations with each other about each other. You know, I'm thinking about Dr. Gabor Mate's lecture, which you and I attended, and then we talked about it in our previous episode, where Dr. Gabor Mateh even said, right, how in the fight between attachment and authenticity, attachment always wins. That if I have to remain connected to my parents and it means I have to lie, I would rather do that than disconnect from my parents by being truthful. So I think the responsibility somewhere is on both the parents as well as the broader culture that we find ways to justify honesty. Otherwise, right now it feels like honesty gives you more trouble than it's worth, and you lose your you run the less risk of losing your family. And I think a very concrete example that I do want to share is about how our community, I think there is a lot of effort being made to ensure that our uh queer siblings, right, are lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, intersex, asexual. I don't know if intersex is in, but uh how do we make sure that our LGBTQIA siblings across the board are included and feel included in the community? And there is a lot more conversation happening, thankfully, and it has been happening for many decades. But coming out to your family, coming out to your Desi friends is an act of intimacy. And if you do not get to come out and be authentic, that is actually denying a complete part of you. So I think my advice for therapists out there, families out there, and people out there is how are you creating conditions for safety so that people don't have to choose between culture and connection. So I'm really, really, you know, I'm just thinking about that part in particular, but I'm just wondering whether that still stays in line with what you were saying about how lying sometimes ends up being a part of how kids grow up.

SPEAKER_00 30:10

It does. Yeah, it does, because normalizing the line does not mean that is the only way for you to share parts of you with your parents, or the only way you can maintain the relationship. I think it may come down to fighting, picking your battles, you know. What is something that you really need to be honest with your parents about? Because now it's eating you up. Because now that your parents do not know this huge part of you, then it feels like you're an imposter. It feels like I'm a coward, it feels like I'm invisible. And because there is so much baggage, baggage in a way like it's so heavy to hide this part away from your family that you're not gonna be able to have that relationship because this part is so big, and if you're not addressing this part in the family, it may do the opposite of what you're wanting to do. So hiding that part away was to facilitate relationship with your parent. However, if the part is so big that it consumes you, it's gonna keep you away from the family because then there's gonna be resentment, there's gonna be anger, there's gonna be sadness, grief, depression. And one thing that we have to also recognize is being really aware of your dynamic with your parents. Let's just focus on this line, the white lies that we end up doing as uh Indian kids. You have to be very much aware that this is a dynamic that I have with my parent. Okay. But now, when you have a partner or when you have friends, how are you gonna make sure that you're not replaying the same fear and fawning that you have with the parents, with your partner and your friends? And that kind of differentiation is only gonna happen if we are aware of what the dynamic is with their parents and if you agree with it or not. If we don't process this growing up in a family where 100% authenticity was not awarded, and because it wasn't awarded, you had to do what you had to do. However, knowing that there are relationships out in the world where you don't have to hide parts of yourselves, where you can be 100% authentic and you will get 100% love and unconditional love, right? So just keeping that part in mind, and no, lying is not the only option. It is, it takes, it takes a lot of brave bravery and courage and holding your heart to have those really difficult conversations with your parents, and sometimes they are big enough that you can no longer lie, be it about you know choosing the partner that you love. That's a big one as well. Like if the part if your family has never supported love marriage, and now you have a partner for so many years, and now you have to, you know, at some point you'll have to. We can't, you know, we will have to, you just have to open up unless you know you feel like you're living in an environment where it's sadly it's it's life-threatening to be honest with your parents, then of course, you know, do what you need to. This is where I draw the line. That expectation that oh, me and my parents should have this really healthy conversation. My parents also need to change and hold space for me and let me hold

Choosing Battles And When Honesty Is Unsafe

SPEAKER_00 33:42

space for them, that is an ideal, ideal expectation. We all want to move towards it, and at the same time, we have to be realistic that there are families where that expectation may not be feasible and because of abuse at home, because of, and I do mean like abuse as in like extreme physical, sexual, neglect, you know, all these things that do happen in Indian communities as well. And it's life-threatening. And if that is the environment that you're in, I'm not gonna be the one to empower you to go be honest with your family. My focus is going to be very different. My focus is going to be like, how do we protect you and how do we find a safe place for you so that you can grow as a person, whoever you want to be, versus, oh, you have to be honest, even about the big things about you.

unknown 34:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

So I think that disclaimer is also helpful, like a reminder that as we are talking about this, we are talking about families that do not have abusive dynamics, physical abuse, verbal abuse, neglect, or even control and coercion that ends up being extremely unhealthy for the family. So we are not really talking about families where it's a red flag. So that's different. We are talking about on a typical basis what are things that feel so commonplace that we don't even think about it. I think those are the parts we're talking about. And I think as you were talking about how do you find ways to connect with the family and be honest and open, I feel like we're coming to a full circle moment as you know, we have about a few more minutes before we wrap up this episode. DDLJ as a movie, Dilwale Dulhaniale as a movie, was envisioned by its director, Ditya Chopra, as a movie that was supposed to be a contrast from movies that were about the couple running away from home to get married. So if you remember Kayamat say Kayamatak more specifically, the couple, the families don't get along, they're fighting each other. But this Amil Khan and Juhit Chavla, my God, they fall in love and then you know they run away from home. But this was so commonplace that you run away from home, you leave your family for the sake of love. And Aditya Chopra, in this lovely documentary about the making of Dilwali Dulhanya Leja and it's an entire series on Netflix, happy to link it in the show notes. Aditya Chopra said, I grew up watching such movies and thinking, is that possible that you love your family your whole life, but then when you fall in love with a person and you want to marry them, you have to leave your family. Is there no way for love, like you know, love marriage, love and your family to coexist? So, you know, like Malika, when you were talking about how when the lie can become so big that it takes that part of you that is so big that is being hidden,

DDLJ Hope Grief And Closing Notes

SPEAKER_01 36:52

like the part that let's say falls in love, wants to choose their own partner. If you are hiding that, you're hiding such a big part of you that you can't have a real relationship with your family anymore. If you're hiding the part of you that fell in love. And Dilwale was envisioned as a movie for just that conversation, that entire movie at the heart of it. You know, the joke is the movie's title, is a spoiler. It says Dilwale Dunhalyan Lejay, which means the people with the big heart are going to get the bride. So much patriarchy in that. Oh, wait. I love that. So that's the thing, right? That can Dilwale actually, can Sharuk Khan win over Amrishpuri? Can Simran, in fact, eventually be the girl who did what she wanted to do, but have her father eventually say, Ja beta ja jileapnisindaki. Like, oh god, that iconic line, you know, where he's saying, ja, you know, like, go, my girl, go, live your life. I'm sure people who are listening to this and have heard the original line will be like, Kitika, you English translation chor though, Amrish puriko, Amrish puri rene though. Anyway, but yes, and that joke, it's not a joke, it's real, right? That whole jabita ja jilepni sind to eventually be by your parents to be given the permission to be free. And isn't that a gift? That is the gift. And how do we as a community foster that freedom where we give each other permission to be free?

SPEAKER_00 38:25

So yeah, and it's like that, isn't that the goal? You know, for an Indian child, what a what like a sweet, like beautiful conclusion to like such a fight at home, you know. Finally, my parent is the one who told me okay, fine, you can go live. And it's not passive aggressive, like it's very much, you know, you see, you see Amrishpuri like crying and really kind of envisioning the best life for you know his daughter and then his acting in that moment. It's it's good, you know. It's like finally you see the love that he has and how the love that he has for his daughter kind of trumps everything that he held so tight about India and how it's supposed to be and how her daughter is supposed to grow up, like the parental love kind of won over everything. Oh, see, this my Bollywood person is just I just love that. But okay, on the side note, I wanted like honorary mentions of other movies, Jahape, the couple runs away to live their life. Yeah, you know what which one I remembered. There is Salman Khan and another actress. I don't know which one. I don't I can't remember, but then there is Rishi Kapoor and maybe Nito Kapoor, and they have that song May I Aja. It's a really old movie, but I really remember because my mom used to talk about that. This movie came at her age, you know, and all the girls were like, Oh my god, yeah, like this is how it could be. And Rishikapoor is so young, and he, you know, he takes the girl, like they go live in jungle, like they're making their own home from the scratch. And anyhow, honorary mentions to how decade-long this story is where the the parental the family conflict is so strong that you cannot be honest about who you love. So the only option is to just get a leave and run away, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:31

Oh my god, amazing, amazing. No, this was fun. This was fun. So, any last things before we go? Like any last bits of suggestions about I know in a future episode we are going to talk much more about families, and I know in fact uh working with the difficult family dynamics is one area of expertise for Malika. And I work with family dynamics in a in in some in difficult defined family dynamics in particular ways as well. But I know Malika, you've done a lot of work in that area, so I really, really uh hope in our next episode we can talk more about that.

SPEAKER_00 41:20

Yes, I think that would be really helpful to just shed a light on it and validate a lot of grief that some people may have about their families. Because again, you know, not everyone gets their jasibranja, JDP movement. Not everyone gets that. So, how do you deal with the grief? Okay, you know, well and good, but this is not a part of my story, and that can be so heavy for a lot of people. And I think the last thing that I want to mention about DDLJ is can we please also highlight Anabam Ker and dad and son, you know, the Anbam Ker and he's father to Sharu Khan, Raj. And their dynamic is shown completely different from how Amrishpuri and Kajol's dynamic is where uh Raj and his dad as very like buddy buddy and friends, and you know, they're always kind of like teasing each other, pulling each other's leg, not a lot of expectation, you know, very financially stable and also like spoiled brat. Raj is shown as a spoiled brat who doesn't who doesn't need to do anything and he just lives off his dad's money and he does not even graduate. And and they're Indian too. So only Amrishpuri dad exists in the world. There are Anupam K dads also that exists in the world. And at one point I can I started to notice like how that father and son dynamic is so again, buddy buddy friends, which can also be dysfunctional if taken to the extreme. But I love that at the end, they like in the movie they do show snippets of windows where they have like serious conversations where the dad is able to be a dad and guide his son um on certain decision-making things. And it's not that you know it's just like a friendly relationship. No, at times the dad is able to take on his role and support his son however he wants to, however he should as a dad.

SPEAKER_01 43:34

Yeah, no, absolutely love it. So honorary mention, honorary mention Anupam Ker for sure. That's not the he's also a kind of dad Bollywood has done a good job with. So but we will talk much more about family dynamics in future episodes, and I think uh watching some more Hollywood movies Bollywood movies to anchor our conversation is also help our listeners know what we are talking about. Because you and I get so much from the work we do that our observations are from like the hundreds of people we've served over time, and a lot of times I think these open conversations are happening through Bollywood. I don't know where else people are having public conversations about family dynamics. So I'm aware of the time, so I'm gonna let our people go now. But I would love for folks to like and subscribe to our channel, leave us a message, we'd love to hear from you, tell us how things are going. We also want to keep you in the loop about how we will be doing one or two more episodes in this season and then we'll be taking a break for the summer because we are two Desi therapists who also believe in rest. And talking about rest is my favorite thing. So, in a future season, I will talk about the importance of rest. But I insist that everybody be prepared for the reality that this podcast is going to be resting over the summer, and we'll come back in you know, in a few um in after a break. But everyone, uh stay tuned. And anything before we go, Malika?

SPEAKER_00 45:19

No, thank you so much for mentioning that. Yes, we will be taking a break and then we will restart it in a couple of months. But this this has been so much fun. So I'm glad that we have we have like one more episode, one or two more episodes to go, and we will let you know when we're gonna come back. But I love the idea of resting and not burning ourselves out. So this is gonna be our own self care or on how we balance our times and energies. So yeah, we'll keep you posted.

SPEAKER_01 45:49

Awesome. Take care, everyone. See you in the next episode. Bye. Bye.